By Timo Cerantola
There I was, just minding my own business when, from out of nowhere, this guy jumps me with a bag full of zucchini.
“If you know what’s good for you,” he says in a low gruff voice, “you’ll take this bag of zucchini and keep your mouth shut!”
Then, he stuffs a recipe for zucchini bread in my shirt pocket and like Zorro, mysteriously disappears into the night.
“Damn!” I muttered to myself, “This zucchini thing is getting out of hand. That’s the fourth time this week.”
Once again it’s that time of year when every gardeners' thoughts turn to zucchini and what to do with all these damned cucumber wannabes. If only the zucchini didn’t all turn up on the same day (Tuesday, August 4th, 4:23 pm).
True! We are already ankle deep in zucchini around our place and, to make matters worse, in the last week, several friends and neighbours have tried to slip me the zucchini. It’s as if every gardener in town is searching to find a home for their surplus vegetables.
I have often wondered why the grocery stores would even bother to sell tomatoes or zucchini in the middle of the summer. Truth is, at this time of year, most people could merely yell out of their kitchen windows, “I need a zucchini!!!” (Note: this is not legal in some states) and be inundated with hordes of well-intentioned zucchini donors.
In the past, my wife and I were often victims of these insidious vegetable pushing people – but this year, we actually joined their ranks. We too (like the Senate), have too many vegetables. We too, now abandon baskets of our garden produce on front porches, ring the doorbell and then run away.
Initially, we justified our peculiar behaviour with the belief that our zucchinis would protect them from the “tomato people” – the only competition and sworn enemy of the zucchini people.
In our family, my wife Marie is the expert gardener and the one primarily responsible for our vegetable dilemma. It is a blessing that I am not as agriculturally gifted as she. True. Each year, I plant something only to watch it die a slow, miserable, shriveled up death. For reasons that defy logical explanation, and not counting the mold that grew in my refrigerator at university, I am totally inept when it comes to growing things.
Still, last summer, despite my ineptitude, Marie and I successfully grew too many tomatoes. We had far, far too many tomatoes. We had tomatoes for salads, tomatoes for sauces, tomatoes for paste, tomatoes for stuffing, tomatoes for door stops and yes, even tomatoes for throwing. It was endless.
Now this summer, with all the rain we’ve been experiencing, we have an even greater gardening achievement er… problem – only this time its zucchini.
In fact, we were having trouble keeping up with our bountiful zucchini until one night last week when something very weird happened. While lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and contemplating what to do with all of our zucchini (keep you minds out of the gutter), all of a sudden Marie turned to me with an eerie, black-hearted, almost villainous look in her eyes.
“I got it! If we can’t eat them all or give them away, we’ll just randomly abandon them on peoples front porches and run!”
“Yeah!” I agreed maliciously. “If we can’t give them away, we’ll force our zucchinis on an unsuspecting world…. ah-hahahahahhahahaha! (Evil laugh)”
It was then that I realized that Marie and I had descended into the dark sinister world of the zucchini people.
A sober thought occurred briefly, “Isn’t there some kind of government funded aid agency that could charge us with improper treatment of vegetables? This is Canada after all. Couldn’t we get into trouble with the law?” I sniveled meekly.
“Probably.” Marie responded. “But, only if we get caught. We’ll wear clever disguises and do it under cover of night. They’ll never know it was us. Ah-hahahahahahahahahaha! (More evil and wicked laughing).”
So the next evening, like garden ghouls in the night, we began sneaking up the driveways of friends and neighbours, dropping our vile, malignant produce on their front stoops and then running away. Some caught on to our cunning deception and tried to discourage us leaving small amounts of their own garden output around their yards. Others, in order to deter our wily clandestine behaviour, greeted us at their doors wearing ring necklaces of cherry tomatoes.
Now, so desperately overrun with produce, I’ve been having this re-occurring nightmare. Waking in the night screaming and drenched with sweat, I dream that I’m driving around in the middle of the night with a trunk full of twisted, odious zucchinis. With my car so overloaded with vegetation the back end sags dangerously low to the road, an alert cop notices, flashes his lights and pulls me over.
Nervously, I roll down my window… “Was I doing something wrong officer?” I creek malevolently.
“Sir,” the officer replies. “Please get out of your car and open your trunk.” I then comply, only to reveal a massive trunk load of zucchinis. “Sir, you are under arrest. We have laws that protect people from the likes of you.”
The cop reaches for his radio and calls for assistance. “I got another one of these hit-and-run zucchini nuts. I’ll need some backup and a truck, over!”
Next thing I know, I’m in prison, slow dancing with some hairy, freakish oddity known as Buzz, discussing zucchini bread recipes. It was really quite disturbing.
I believe the world has reached a critical point when it comes to gift giving occasions. There are just too many.
National Gift Giving Day?
Hey, why not? It’s straight to the point and self-explanatory.
Let’s face it, it’s tough enough finding new gift ideas so soon after Christmas. Valentines Day has only piled on the stress and now, thanks to those pricks at Hallmark Cards (and those aforementioned Madison Avenue bastards), men are now required to add a special romantic flair to our Valentine gifts or we’re freakin’ toast.
On Valentine’s Day, men are under tremendous pressure with this gift of love. Seriously, will she hate it? Will she love it? Will she be thrilled? If she throws it at you, will it hurt much?
Granted, a good gift on February 14th and you’re clear right through to the play-offs. True. One thoughtful, well-placed gift here will almost make up for the fact you were born a man.
Each year, statistically speaking, 1 billion Valentines are sent, making Valentine’s Day the second largest card giving day after Christmas. And women are responsible for 85% of all Valentine cards. Also, as a side note, on Valentine’s Day, condom manufacturer Durex claims its sales rise (?) approximately 25% - and more do-it-yourself home pregnancy kits are sold in March than in any other month.
Years ago, in my more romantic days, I took Valentine’s Day quite seriously. Back then, I was working at an advertising studio in Toronto and so, I used to write and illustrate my own cards to send to my wife. My favourite theme was usually “Tim the love God” - which was basically a cartoon caricature of me adorned in gold chains, designer clothes, sun glasses, a chest toupee and all the other things that make women go crazy with desire.
Of course today, I’m just my wife’s pathetic, potato-like lump o’ love that lies listless and lethargically inert - taking up valuable couch space whilst consuming my weight in Cheesits on a nightly basis. Not a lot of romance there, huh?
At this stage in the game, I figure I can love her from afar and watch the game at the same time. I’m a guy here. Haven’t I paid my dues?
For those of you still love struck, I guess you’re wondering what to get the love of your life for Valentines?
My kids had it easy. They had out those little cut-out cards at school and, for their mom, they’d make her some crafty paper heart-shaped card with glue splishing out all over the place. Of course, she loved it.
“Isn’t that cute.” She’d titter with delight. “My kids made these especially for me with their own little hands.”
Of course, I was the one responsible for a more substantial Valentine presentation - and it damn well better make her friggin’ titter with delight or I’m in trouble. I needed a gift that would keep that naked little freaktoid Cupid at bay for another year.
Hey, if I just splished some glue all over some card to give to her for Valentines, I’ll probably end up with my nose splished all over my face! Personally, I’d like to splish glue all over that Cupid and stick him to a fire hydrant in a dog park.
Now when it comes to love and romance, William Shakespeare knew a thing or two when it came to Valentine time. “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate…”.
You see back in the olden day, that’s all it took. A little poetry and not much else probably kept Bill Shakespeare’s girlfriends happy for the whole friggins’ year! But in our material world, poetry alone wouldn’t cut it because, “how do I love thee, let me count the ways” has devolved into, how do I love thee, let me count my money.
As for poetry, the only poem I know from beginning to end is “Jack and Jill went up the hill…” and I can guarantee you my wife doesn’t want to hear that while we’re making out.
Now, let’s look at the historical facts of romance. Seriously men, the last thing you really want is to be known as a romantic. Really, think of all the most famous romantics and what Valentines did for them.
Remember Romeo and Juliet?
Romeo, the guy who practically invented romance got so messed up on love, he ended up killing himself.
And what about Lancelot of Lancelot and Guinevere? Dead.
Tristan of Tristan and Isolde? Dead.
Paris of Paris and Helen of Troy? Dead.
Samson of Samson and Delilah? Bald and dead!
And finally, what about Pepe?
No, not that you idiots! For once in your lives, keep your minds out of your pants. I’m talking about Pepe Le Pieux the lovesick cartoon skunk. That poor skunk never even made it to first base with that cat - and then they cancelled his cartoon show.
So you see, most romantics either end up dead, bald and dead or as out-of-work cartoons! Doesn’t say much for romance does it?
Seriously ladies, if you really must know, the quickest way to your man’s heart is through his chest - with a sharp knife.
Anyways guys, Valentine’s approaches. Here’s a solid romantic gift line up. Pick any two: Flowers, chocolate, tickets to a play, candy, jewellery, a love letter, a romantic walk and dinner at a restaurant (and not McDonald’s you cheap bastards).
So, I hope you guys manage to find a way not to screw up like you did at Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before. You thought she’d love the snow blower. Save her from all that shoveling. That’s what you get when you ask for gift ideas from ‘Biff’ at the hardware store. Think FLOWERS, bonehead! I hate these damned tests of love.
“When I saw you I fell in love,
and you smiled because you knew.”
William Shakespeare
When times are tough and trouble abounds, there is always that one person, that one rugged individual willing to stand up, take charge and look trouble in the eye. Of course, quite often, that person is delusional (and wears tights).
By Timo Cerantola
It was a surreal moment during the inauguration. Obama’s worshiping masses, teary eyed and all in agreement that finally, life is going to be rosy again with Obama as president. George Bush, Washington’s village idiot, sat through the inaugural proceedings looking clueless, empty headed and uninterested; his thoughts tumbling around in his brain like underpants in a dryer.
Still, one had to wonder, was the worst chapter in American history finally over?
Granted, with Obama in charge, we have a much better chance of not reducing the planet to a smoldering pile of radioactive grit than we did with George Bush, but still, I’m not totally convinced.
You see, after only two days of Obama style ‘change’ and already Obama has given the green light to bombing a sovereign state (Pakistan). As usual, innocent civilians were killed.
In the last eight years, that is what I came to expect from George Bush’s America. George’s America never had any respect for international law, another country’s sovereignty or its people. Shoot first, ask questions later was George’s methodology. You’re either with us or against us.
So what happened to Obama’s ‘change we can believe in’?
With Obama, maybe the torture of prisoners as well as Bush’s torture of the English language may change, but so far, that’s about it.
Now I’m a little weirded out when I see all those Obamamaniacs; their eyes glazed over and full of child-like wonder, suspending any semblance of critical thinking when Obama speaks his charismatic magic. It’s kind of spooky really. This Obama worship has taken on a sort of cult-like messianic weirdness. I think we’re approaching a ‘lets all drink the Kool-Aid’ kind of eeriness here, if you want to get blunt about it. Didn’t I see this once in a science fiction movie - or was it an episode of Star Trek?
You see, these Obamamaniacs will attack anyone who questions any word that leaves the lips of their savior; anyone who might contradict their Obama moment.
Granted, Obama’s charisma is without question, though I suspect highly amplified by the pathetic ineptitude of the man he replaces. Indeed, anyone who became president after George Bush would seem almost super human. Obama has very small shoes to fill. It’s not hard to top eight years of unrivaled incompetence.
And true, Barack Obama’s election may be historical, though it will be truly historical when a black man or woman can get elected president of the US and no one thinks it’s a big deal.
So what does Barack Obama actually stand for?
Change we can believe in?
If bombing Pakistan was Obama’s opening act, that’s not change, that’s business as usual.
I guess no one picked up on his campaign rhetoric, reviewed his voting record or took a close look at the advisers and cabinet choices he has made. Has anyone noticed - or does anyone even care that Obama’s cabinet appointments are the same old white-collar criminals and warhawks that we usually find in Washington’s power elite?
Did anyone pay attention during Obama’s campaign?
As I recall, according to Obama’s election record, he is for private sector health plans run by big insurance, conservative medical/hospital associations and big pharma. He has publicly rejected a universal national health program.
He is for continuing the embargo on Cuba and hostile confrontation with Venezuela’s populist (and democratically elected) President Hugo Chavez - and all other Latin American reformers. (Obama will promote protectionism at home but demands free market access to Latin America?).
Obama was a former defender of the Palestinian people but is now an AIPAC toadie in full support of oppressing the Palestinian people and the continued expansion of Israel into the West Bank.
Obama endorsed the $700 billion bailout of Wall Street - and continues to support any and all attempts to first save the wealthy on Wall Street as opposed to the US economy.
Obama is for escalating US military intervention in Afghanistan - which now, apparently after his first week in office, includes the bombing of neighboring Pakistan.
Still, I guess Obama’s true litmus test will come when we see him repeal the Patriot Act. If he leaves it the way it is, all I can say is - meet the new boss, same as the old boss.
Now the one good thing about George Bush was, it was easy to criticize George. His idiocy was unrivaled and so obvious. But with Obama and his Obamamaniac supporters, even constructive criticism will be difficult. His presidency has already taken on mythological proportions.
So, can we expect more massive bailouts, perhaps into the tens of trillions of dollars?
Obama’s already told Americans to get ready for the prospect of “trillion-dollar deficits for years to come.”
You do realize this money has to be paid back at some time, right? Paid back by your grandchildren, great grandchildren and great great grandchildren.
I imagine that once Obama starts raising taxes to pay for these bailouts (oops, did I say bailout, I meant stimulus packages) of the rich, this Obama fantasy bubble will burst just like all those economic bubbles, because there are no miracles in store for America, only debt. Enormous debt. Debilitating debt.
Eventually, reality will sink in. The many deluded Obamazombies will doubtlessly be disappointed when their taxes go up and their quality of life goes down. As jobs are lost, foreclosures and bankruptcies continue to climb and neighborhoods become deserted, maybe Obama’s sheeple will realize he has no miracle solutions up his sleeve. His limitations will be revealed when the economy bottoms out in the next year or so when the lines of jobless, homeless and hungry can’t get the “change” from its new leader.
The public, as usual, has been seduced by eloquent oratory and shallow promises. Promises that likely will not, and possibly cannot, be kept. And though Obama is obviously a man of superior intellect, as far as I can tell, he does not have superpowers beyond those of mere mortal men.
Next year's news now...
by timo cerantola
Well, it’s that time again when all of us psychics make our predictions for the coming new year.
Now I must admit that I’m a bit light in the psychic department - though I do have regular psychotic episodes if that’s any consolation - not to mention the word 'psychotic' is on the same page as 'psychic' in the dictionary.
So kids, here’s next year’s news now. Hang on to your yoo-hoos or whatever floats your boat and get ready for the psychic magic to begin.
For the year 2009 I foresee many difficulties and misfortune. Beginning with the economy I see…
The American dollar will continue to lose ground against all major board game currencies.
In Washington DC, a commemorative thirty-foot high likeness of George Bush will be erected in Washington’s Constitutional Gardens. The sculpture made entirely of baloney, will quickly become the favourite of the Garden’s millions of pigeons - not to mention the target of Washington’s millions of enthusiastic shoe throwers.
Due to severe market turmoil and economic fallout, the Boogey Man, Easter Bunny and the Toothfairy will be layed-off. In an attempt to gain a government bailout, Santa Claus, president of UFO (Union of Fairies and Ogres) will travel to Washington to meet with Janet Napolitano, US Secretary of Imaginary Characters and Homeland Security. The two will come to agreement and avert the imaginary disaster.
Citing severe popularity problems (and a total lack of friends), Dick Cheney will have his name legally changed to Yolanda.
Also in Washington, prior to leaving office, US president George Bush will accidentally declare war on New Jersey.
President Barack Obama's popularity will continue to soar amongst those who are not paying attention. Obama will continue to fund large corrupt financial houses, big greedy banks and ridiculously inefficient automobile corporations so that they may continue to lose more money into 2010.
In 2009, Washington will be rocked by a fidelity scandal. A majority of senators and congressmen will reveal they are actually faithful to their wives and happily married. The disturbing news will force several media outlets to near collapse, as without trashy, imbecilic, gossipy gutter news to report on every half hour, the media will be forced to report "useful information".
On the sports scene, a popular baseball player will demand and receive the highest dollar figure in the history of professional sports. He will be given ownership of the team as payment for playing. Once owner, he will promptly trade himself to another team in an effort to stave off bankruptcy.
Finally, on the Bush front, George W. will be arrested for DWS (driving while stupid).
2009 will be the year that several major peace agreements will be reached - on the planet Moolga. I wish I were there.
In view of recent corruption charges against him, the State Of Illinois will attempt to distance itself from Gov. Rod Blagojevich and officially change its name to Shirley.
On the science front, having closely studied all the data, scientists will announce they have no clue whatsoever as to what is going on.
Barney the dinosaur will once again make the news with his wanderlust, draggletail dinosaur ways. Yes, Barney will be caught in the arms of yet another reptile, Rush Limbaugh. Mrs. The Dinosaur will sue for divorce as this will prove to be Barney’s 4th infidelity - not counting that one-nighter thing he had with Miss Piggy back in 2002.
An alien invasion will be unwittingly thwarted in Detroit. Aliens, upon landing in the “Motor City” will have their windshield washed by hoards of unemployed auto workers. When the aliens refuse to pay for the service, the irate street side squeegee people will beat them senseless. Their hubcaps will also be stolen.
Further on the alien contact front, the United Nations will appoint former US president Bill Clinton as spokesman for Earth. The meetings will go poorly as, when asked about the proceedings, the aliens will complain, “We knew we said take us to your leader, …now take us to someone who won’t play grab-ass with our wives.”
In August, a state of emergency will be declared in California when a Britney epidemic strikes. The number of people named Britney in the state will reach a highly toxic 35% of the population.
A popular burger chain will score big with by introducing copious amounts of caffeine, sugar and nicotine into one of its most popular meal selections. The “Way too damn happy meal” will be a big seller in 2009.
In an attempt to put Americans back to work, president Barack Obama will announce the largest make-work project in history. Starting in 2009, Obama will commit the US to tearing down the Rocky Mountains and moving them to Florida.
Again, on the fast food front, “burger wars” will erupt as a result of a fistfight between Ronald McDonald and The Burger King at a beef convention. McDonald’s clown of beef will accuse the King of having a lurid affair with Wendy the rag doll from Wendy’s. The King, not to be out done, reveals sordid details of an alleged same-sex affair between Ronald and the Hamburglar. Armies of burger clowns will battle the forces of burger royalty. Sadly, Mayor McCheese will perish in the ensuing battle.
God the Almighty will once again be a no-show for 2009. Though the search has gone on for some time now, everyone’s favorite benevolent supreme being, who hates gay people, feminists and Muslims will continue to elude fundamental Christians.
A major category 5 hurricane, an earthquake, a giant snowstorm, ensuing avalanche and an erupting volcano will cause two Ebola infected passenger planes to collide with an asteroid and crash into a nuclear power station creating a massive spread of Ebola hemorrhagic fever, a major power blackout and a radio-active wildfire that will be extinguished by a 500 foot tsunami that strikes the US Eastern Seaboard.
And finally, in Hollywood, remakes of old movies will continue to be the craze as, in yet another sequel, has-been action stars Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Bruce Willis will team up to star in the blockbuster Wizard of Oz sequel, a war-action extravaganza entitled, “Die, Munchkin Die: Assault on Oz.”
